Get Out of My Life by Suzanne Franks

Author:Suzanne Franks
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Profile

It is to be avoided. ‘But isn’t it better to prevent something from happening between the two of them? You should see how they go for each other sometimes.’ Short of violence, where intervention is absolutely required – if necessary by calling the police – intervening will improve nothing. It will only make the intruded-upon parent more angry. ‘But there can be real abuse, without its being physical.’ This is true. Continual verbal abuse from parent to child can be damaging.

‘Jamie, you’re an arsehole. You don’t have any fucking sense. You’re a loser and you always will be a loser.’

If the verbal abuse by one spouse is continual, and if attempts to stop it go unheeded, only then does it become appropriate to say something to Jamie. Then a parent does need to say that what the other parent is doing is bad, that it is that parent, not Jamie, who is at fault.

‘Your father is wrong to say all those things to you. He gets too upset, and ends up saying things he shouldn’t say.’

Although it is important to point this out to children who are the victims of repeated verbal abuse, it must be done with great caution nonetheless. Criticising another parent does set up an always unfortunate bond – in this instance, mother and son against father. If this is necessary in order to preserve a child’s self-respect, then it has to happen, but it should never be done lightly.

In matters of child-rearing, parents like to feel backed up by their partner. This is very basic to marriages and it is something that single parents often cite as an extra burden. Dealing alone with a teenager without the support and relief of the other parent can be a lonely and wearing task. Husbands and wives want recognition for doing the best they can. They know that they make mistakes. Lots of them. They need support, not criticism. We would all like to point out what we perceive as our partner’s mistakes, and what better time than when they are making them. But that just is not our best role. Ours is to support. Even comments made later in private should be delivered with caution.

I wish you would ease up in dealing with Susan. You should hear yourself sometimes. It really would be better if sometimes you could just let some things go. Even if they bother you.

This sounds reasonable, but the fact is that many parents resent being told how to parent by their spouse. They can read it in an article, hear it on television, even hear it from a counsellor, but not from a spouse. (Friends and other family members should definitely be wary about criticising a child-raising practice without being asked. Often it can be tantamount to poking cobras with sticks.) Parents can, of course, discuss things after the fact, even criticise each other, but they should tread carefully.

Different parents, different rules

But we end up with different rules. Robert and Becca know that when it’s just their father, he’s going to say yes to lots of things that I wouldn’t.

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